Third Time's a Charm... Right?

A friend of mine recently gave me a passage of hope that I am clinging to with all my might:

"Put your trust in God and experience peace not panic"

God, those words mean so much to me now more than ever. With so much looming in the future, there are so many reasons to panic, so many reasons to freak out. Through it all though, I have to put my trust and faith in God, without that, I'd be totally lost.

For now, I'm going to enjoy every moment of not having a proven reason to panic and enjoy this new blessing. And a blessing, it truly is. A blessing that I'm putting my faith into that it will last and give us reason to rejoice His name.

In addition, we have been presented with a new chapter of our lives, a new life to embrace, our blood or not. There are so many uncertainties, so many dark spots that emit fear of the unknown. Will it even come to fruition? That answer, just like an answer to our own, is another unknown. This is another situation in our life right now that has to be lifted up and prayed about. We have to keep faith, and for that reason as well as others... her name will be just that.

Mother to my bones

All in all, I'd have to say year 2010 has been a big disappointment thus far. There has really been no reason to really rejoice or celebrate this year. It seems as though as soon as one good moment comes with the hope of elation, something bad is sure to follow to bring all hopes and happy thoughts come crashing down. The most beautiful and happy moment for me was my son's 2nd birthday. It made me think back and remember one of the most beautiful days of my entire life. I could live that day over and over again. With my dad by my side holding my hand tight, and my mother dancing nearby announcing every exciting detail, and my husband watching anxiously with his eyes shining and ready to burst with tears of joy, I pushed our beautiful baby boy into this world and he announced his arrival with a big, healthy scream. My heart grows heavy and pushes a lump to my throat just thinking about it. That precious, sacred moment has turned into an entirely different life in every way imaginable. The fruit of that labor has become the center of our lives and everything we do revolves around him.

As I near what would have been Laurel's due date, my heart grows heavier. With what would have been 8 weeks left, I would surely be stocking up on little girl baby clothes, decorating her nursery and I'm sure enduring several bouts of vigorous nesting. I'm sure we would be trying to get Emery to understand and learn to look forward to her arrival, maybe even make her a present.

In the same thought, I should also be entering my second trimester and welcoming my newly forming bump, waiting restlessly for those first movements, and becoming increasingly curious as to whether we should be thinking in pink or blue. But I digress. For whatever reason, that wasn't meant to be either. This just wasn't a very fertile year.

My dad has been battling cancer now for three years. It started in his bladder and prostate, then traveled into his left kidney. He is finally getting a round of chemotherapy that he should have had 3 years ago. He is trying to enjoy his life and stay optimistic. Obviously, it's hard to stay optimistic when you keep being the small statistic that the rare things are supposed to happen to, over and over and over again. It's hard to think about it without becoming angry... angry about so many things. He's my dad. He's the best dad, and he's mine. I love him so much.

All these things, and work, is turning me into a bitter person. I'm becomming increasingly distanced from true emotion, and my perceptions on what what things should feel like has become so altered. Perhaps it's time for me to turn my eyes upward and focus on the ultimate Healer... and ask for a remedy.

A new adventure

It's the 4th of July already. Something I've noticed in the last couple of years is that most of the holidays that seem to roll around hold little to no significance in our house anymore. Being that I grew up in the very historical Virginia, the 4th used to be a big day; usually spent in a revolutionary historic place such as Yorktown, Williamsburg, or Jamestown. The whole day was spent there being a "tourist" even though we'd been there at least a million times before, and then we'd finish the day watching fireworks over the James or York Rivers. Today... we'll be lucky if we grill up burgers later and watch fireworks on tv. I've even become a grinch around Christmas too. The only holiday that holds any great importance to me anymore seems to be Easter... which I have just spiritual reasons for.

Aside from being grinchy, the hubby and I have kept ourselves "busy" this weekend. I'll leave it to the imagination of your own interpretation of "busy" is, all I'll say is I hope to have good news in a few weeks! Jon is really hoping for a little girl. As for me, I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy and survives pregnancy.

Work is back to being stressful and to the level that it just about consumes my every thought. Luckily, a few of our larger, most stressful cases are coming to a close now... so, most of the mental anguish is over, it's just a matter of doing the paperwork to close them out. Now that Jon has started school again, he's getting a BAH allowance which just about equals my bring home pay a month. So technically, I could quit my job and we would still break even. It would allow me to stay home and take care of Emery. But... I don't know. It's nice having extra funds to finance projects around the house or buy things we need, or just having extra padding in the bank at the end of the month. Not to mention, under it all, I love my job... and I don't want to just abandon it high and dry. I guess we'll have to see where the wind blows us.

They say time flies

...When you're having fun. I don't know that I would consider this half of the year to be "fun", I spent the first half of it sick as a dog with morning sickness, and the second half of it depressed and stressed out. Yet here we are, June already. In just 2 more months, we'll be planning my baby boy's second birthday party. I can't believe my little baby boy is already a walking, talking, real-live little kid already.

Unfortunately, the depression and stress has packed on the pounds (15 or so), and so now I've got a bad body image to add to the laundry list of things I dread about my life right now. It's silly, I look back 5 years ago, and I would've killed for the body I have today... and now that I have it, I want something better. I guess it just goes to show that we are our own worst critics. We can't ever truly please ourselves. Not for long, anyway.

The next few months should present with some excitement. In August, Emery and I will be flying out to Colorado for almost 2 weeks to visit family. Then, the week after we get back, Jon's parents are flying out from WA for Emery's birthday. In October, Jon and I may take a small vacation somewhere for our 5th wedding anniversary. Lord, I can't believe it's been 5 years already! In some ways, it's amazing we made it this far. I've seen divorces over much less squable than what we've been through over the last 7 years we've known each other. I guess, I value our relationship even more over some of the things I've seen.

Anyways, hopefully by the end of the year, I'll be pregnant again... and planning for next year.

Laurel Gayle

It's been a month. Sometimes I swear I feel fetal movement. Right about now would've been when I would've just started feeling fetal movent (15 weeks). The genetic testing came back last week. It turns out the baby was a girl. She had trisomy 21 (down syndrome). It must've been a severe enough level of down syndrome if she couldn't even survive the pregnancy. Looking back at what happened, I've come to feel relief. Not relief of losing the pregnancy, but relief for the baby, knowing she won't have to live a life with that condition. If the choice had been left to me, I would have had her no matter what, trisomy 21 or not. I would have felt like if she had survived, the choice would have already been made by God for me to have her. Being that she didn't survive, God made that decision as well. I have to trust in God that he has a plan for all of us, and he knew what our lives would have been like... so he took her from us. I have to learn to be ok with that. We named her Laurel Gayle. For Mother's Day, Jon got me two new charms for my pandora bracelet- a jeweled heart cross, and an angel baby girl. I also ordered a rememberance pin from www.october15th.com. A little pair of pink baby feet that I can wear on myself every day. Even though these trinkets are beautiful and precious to me... they can never fill the hole that Laurel left in my heart.

Trying

Last week was a week I'll never forget. Monday we learned that our precious blessing didn't have a heart beat. This was 3 days after an ultrasound showing us a lively baby with arms and legs and a beautiful, steady heart beat. We were not prepared for it. I almost couldn't believe the words coming out of the doctor's mouth, and I couldn't believe what I was seeing on the screen. We were sent to EVMS to confirm it... they didn't have any better news. We were told that the baby had an unlikely chromosomal abnormality and that was not likely to ever happen again. By Friday it was all over.

I don't believe I have ever felt this empty. It's all I can do to get through the day with a smile. It's probably for the best that I go to work, slap on an "I'm ok" face, and concentrate on things that suddenly don't matter at all to keep my mind from dwelling. Things that once consumed my every thought and invaded my dreams at night now seem disgustingly unimportant, and I find myself irritated by even being bothered with them.

I go home and see my other precious blessing, and he brings a true smile to my face. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He is the true light of my life. And my husband. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful man in my life. He is there for me in ways I couldn't even ask him to be. I am blessed in so many ways. But at the same time, I feel cheated. I had already fallen in love. It was already my child. And it was taken away. I know I'll move on, but I'll never forget my precious one.

So today was a day from hell. In law, you win some you lose some. That's a concept you have to digest early on. Normally, in my area of practice, you don't ever win it all and you don't ever lose it all, it's a little mix of both. But today was a lose lose day. And it was a lose lose day for a client of ours which I really feel for, so that makes it hard. Especially when justice was anything but just. It's hard to carry that weight home on your shoulders after a day like today. It's days like today that make me want an escape. It makes me want a complete change. A person can only carry but so much stress with them from day to day until it starts to break them down. It seems like after one crisis is over, another one is right behind it- ready to stir up a wind storm of problems. I'm getting to a point where I can't take it anymore. It's not healthy for my body or my mind.

That being said, I've begun looking into new options. The three biggest standouts, are mediation, surgical technology, and pharmacy technology. They are all courses I could complete within a year, and they are all careers that would bring me a bit more income and a lot less stress. With a baby on the way though, I'll need to put those desires on hold at least until next year. But that would give me enough time to train a replacement for myself. It will also give us enough time to figure ourselves out, financially- to see how we could make it all work. We shall see.

Speaking of baby, our precious miracle is 7 weeks 2 days old today. We were able to see the baby on ultrasound last night. Had a slow, strong heart beat, and the beginnings of what looked like arm and leg nubs. It's amazing how fast it has grown in the last week and a half. The last time we looked, we couldn't even see the baby. My body is definitely aware of its presence. The morning sickness I lacked with Emery caught up to me with this one. And I am exhausted all the time, and normally passed out by 8:30 every night. No physical changes yet. The baby is still the size of a blueberry (or smaller), so my body hasn't had to make any major changes... but all that will change in the next months to come.

Today I found out that my best friend had a baby last night. I didn't even know she was pregnant. It makes me ashamed to call myself her best friend. Then again, even her own parents didn't know she was pregnant- and she lives with them. He is a gorgeous baby and I'm proud to be his Auntie, I just wish I could have been there more for his mommy the last 9 months.

I don't know. Maybe I just need a vacation. Time to get away from it all and relax for a few weeks. I won't have much time to do that soon, so maybe we should take advantage of it while we can.

Baby Pool Game

I started one of those "baby pool" games. One of Jon's friend's had a dream and predicted not only the gender, but the day and the exact time the baby would be born. So, I thought it would be fun to involve everyone else's "predictions" too to see who comes the closest. I'll have to think of some kind of prize for the winner!

Another beginning

So, this will make the 4th blog I've ever had. I started out at Dead Journal, moved on to Greatest Journal, then made my home at Myspace for the last few years. Now that Myspace is pretty much Deadspace, and no friends or anyone I even know even visits Myspace anymore, I needed a new place to call "home".

A little introduction is in order. My name is Katie, and I'm an alcoholic. Hah! Just kidding!! I'm 25, married, and a proud momma. I have a little boy, Emery, who will be 2 this year. I'm also baking his baby brother/sister at the moment, who is due to meet us in November. My husband, Jon, is 27 and works as a civilian contractor to the Army. We met each other 7 years ago when he was in the Navy. We got married on 10/15/05 and have been happily married since. We're pretty opposite on almost everything. The night we met, I was decked out in Hot Topic gear, and he... well, he was a poster child for American Eagle. Needless to say, we work through our differences and love each other for them. We keep each other balanced, he's the yin to my yang :) He likes to play video games and guitar, as do I except for the guitar... which I will get to later.

I'm a paralegal by day. I handle lots of family law matters, mainly divorces and custody matters. I've thought about law school, but I think it would interfere with my having a family life. My main joy in life is being with the ones I love and being a wife and mother.

I have very outspoken opinions on issues of politics, religion, and so forth. I'm conservative, and not ashamed of it. I'm Christian, and not ashamed of that either. I'm VERY pro-life. Though I'm set in my views, I'm tolerant to the views of others... I will just never ever ever ever agree with a pro-choicer.

I love music, art, writing, reading, and crafts. I've always been involved with music. I play all saxes, and piano. I've dabbled with guitar but have never had any formal teaching. Jon taught guitar and I used to teach piano, but we have never found a happy medium to have enough patience with each other for lessons to work between us. I also have a soft spot for animals. Growing up, I always wanted to be a veterinarian but that math and science thing kind of bit me in the butt. We have two dogs (pomeranians- Gir & Ruxpin), a cat (Gaz), a scarlet macaw who Jon hates (Skittles aka "Blyurd"), and a fish tank containing three very territorial and mean fish who kill everything and everybody else.

I have an awe for science, but I'm a woman of faith. I definitely believe in intelligent design... life couldn't exist without it. I am amazed by the universe and the many mysteries it contains. I believe in the paranormal, I mean you can't be Christian and worship the "Holy Spirit" without a belief in the paranormal. Jesus himself was supernatural, in oh so many ways. The reproductive process is also an interest of mine. Everything from ovulation to actual birth is incredible.... researching it just makes me want to praise God for his miracles... because every baby truly is. I've assisted in 3 births, and I went through natural child birth with Emery. I didn't even have an IV for fluid. My mother's a midwife, so I guess you could say that's what sparked my curiosity on the subject (at a pretty young age, I should add). She's definitely the best mom to have around when you're pregnant, that's for sure!

Anyways, that's just a rough start about yours truly. I have a love for life. Hopefully this blog will explore that. I can't promise that every blog will be this tasteful. I have my days, and my own raunch factor. Being pregnant will also promise some hormonal blogs from time to time. So... that's it in a nutshell. Here's a thanks in advance to anyone who chooses to read further.