Mother to my bones

All in all, I'd have to say year 2010 has been a big disappointment thus far. There has really been no reason to really rejoice or celebrate this year. It seems as though as soon as one good moment comes with the hope of elation, something bad is sure to follow to bring all hopes and happy thoughts come crashing down. The most beautiful and happy moment for me was my son's 2nd birthday. It made me think back and remember one of the most beautiful days of my entire life. I could live that day over and over again. With my dad by my side holding my hand tight, and my mother dancing nearby announcing every exciting detail, and my husband watching anxiously with his eyes shining and ready to burst with tears of joy, I pushed our beautiful baby boy into this world and he announced his arrival with a big, healthy scream. My heart grows heavy and pushes a lump to my throat just thinking about it. That precious, sacred moment has turned into an entirely different life in every way imaginable. The fruit of that labor has become the center of our lives and everything we do revolves around him.

As I near what would have been Laurel's due date, my heart grows heavier. With what would have been 8 weeks left, I would surely be stocking up on little girl baby clothes, decorating her nursery and I'm sure enduring several bouts of vigorous nesting. I'm sure we would be trying to get Emery to understand and learn to look forward to her arrival, maybe even make her a present.

In the same thought, I should also be entering my second trimester and welcoming my newly forming bump, waiting restlessly for those first movements, and becoming increasingly curious as to whether we should be thinking in pink or blue. But I digress. For whatever reason, that wasn't meant to be either. This just wasn't a very fertile year.

My dad has been battling cancer now for three years. It started in his bladder and prostate, then traveled into his left kidney. He is finally getting a round of chemotherapy that he should have had 3 years ago. He is trying to enjoy his life and stay optimistic. Obviously, it's hard to stay optimistic when you keep being the small statistic that the rare things are supposed to happen to, over and over and over again. It's hard to think about it without becoming angry... angry about so many things. He's my dad. He's the best dad, and he's mine. I love him so much.

All these things, and work, is turning me into a bitter person. I'm becomming increasingly distanced from true emotion, and my perceptions on what what things should feel like has become so altered. Perhaps it's time for me to turn my eyes upward and focus on the ultimate Healer... and ask for a remedy.