Sands in the Hourglass

This morning after dealing with the beginnings of a stomach bug and cyclical stomach cramping, I decided to stay home from work, which also meant Emery would be staying home with me and I'd be taking care of not only myself but a very high maintenance little boy as well. After a while of laying in bed and groaning with the occasional cramp, I heard Emery's doorknob turn followed by little pattering footsteps running into my room, "Good morning!!!" It begins. I explained to him that I didn't feel good and needed a nap, so he crawled in bed behind me and snuggled in and pretended to snore. After a while, he began kicking me in the back all the while yelling "YOU NEED MEDICINE!?!?" Even though his little heels stabbed into my spine and shoulders, I laid there motionless, enjoying the aggressive yet satisfying back massage. It would probably be the only affection I'd get from him.

I suppose since I have not updated since November after an exciting yet scary surprise, I should state that, that surprise is now a beautiful, healthy 17.5 week baby boy, who we have named Oliver Thomas McInturff. He is due 07/25/11. He's a strong baby, who has definitely made his presence known already. We feel so blessed, and we are so excited to meet our new son and welcome him to our quirky little family.

The other "chapter" I referenced in my last post is no longer as unknown as it was then. In fact, that chapter closed as quickly as it opened. Well, in a way I suppose. In a way, we will always be connected to that decision we almost came so close to making. That's life though, isn't it? Through it all, I have formed a very close friendship that I never imagined would mature to this level. I have come to learn that people in your life, no matter how distant, can change your entire life in the blink of an eye. I've also learned over the last year that those that you once held most dear can suddenly become a distant acquaintence.... more like just a memory. I have also learned that I have become very apprehensive to welcoming new people into my life. Perhaps it's because I still carry scars on my heart from those that were the closest to me in my life, and I have developed a defense mechanism to protect myself. Either way, I'm grateful that I have this new found friendship, which I feel will be life-long.

I have a feeling that 2011 will be an eventful year for us, it already has been. We are buying our second house next week, and expecting our second baby in the next 5 months. I'm excited to experience this year and have a reprieve from last.

Third Time's a Charm... Right?

A friend of mine recently gave me a passage of hope that I am clinging to with all my might:

"Put your trust in God and experience peace not panic"

God, those words mean so much to me now more than ever. With so much looming in the future, there are so many reasons to panic, so many reasons to freak out. Through it all though, I have to put my trust and faith in God, without that, I'd be totally lost.

For now, I'm going to enjoy every moment of not having a proven reason to panic and enjoy this new blessing. And a blessing, it truly is. A blessing that I'm putting my faith into that it will last and give us reason to rejoice His name.

In addition, we have been presented with a new chapter of our lives, a new life to embrace, our blood or not. There are so many uncertainties, so many dark spots that emit fear of the unknown. Will it even come to fruition? That answer, just like an answer to our own, is another unknown. This is another situation in our life right now that has to be lifted up and prayed about. We have to keep faith, and for that reason as well as others... her name will be just that.

Mother to my bones

All in all, I'd have to say year 2010 has been a big disappointment thus far. There has really been no reason to really rejoice or celebrate this year. It seems as though as soon as one good moment comes with the hope of elation, something bad is sure to follow to bring all hopes and happy thoughts come crashing down. The most beautiful and happy moment for me was my son's 2nd birthday. It made me think back and remember one of the most beautiful days of my entire life. I could live that day over and over again. With my dad by my side holding my hand tight, and my mother dancing nearby announcing every exciting detail, and my husband watching anxiously with his eyes shining and ready to burst with tears of joy, I pushed our beautiful baby boy into this world and he announced his arrival with a big, healthy scream. My heart grows heavy and pushes a lump to my throat just thinking about it. That precious, sacred moment has turned into an entirely different life in every way imaginable. The fruit of that labor has become the center of our lives and everything we do revolves around him.

As I near what would have been Laurel's due date, my heart grows heavier. With what would have been 8 weeks left, I would surely be stocking up on little girl baby clothes, decorating her nursery and I'm sure enduring several bouts of vigorous nesting. I'm sure we would be trying to get Emery to understand and learn to look forward to her arrival, maybe even make her a present.

In the same thought, I should also be entering my second trimester and welcoming my newly forming bump, waiting restlessly for those first movements, and becoming increasingly curious as to whether we should be thinking in pink or blue. But I digress. For whatever reason, that wasn't meant to be either. This just wasn't a very fertile year.

My dad has been battling cancer now for three years. It started in his bladder and prostate, then traveled into his left kidney. He is finally getting a round of chemotherapy that he should have had 3 years ago. He is trying to enjoy his life and stay optimistic. Obviously, it's hard to stay optimistic when you keep being the small statistic that the rare things are supposed to happen to, over and over and over again. It's hard to think about it without becoming angry... angry about so many things. He's my dad. He's the best dad, and he's mine. I love him so much.

All these things, and work, is turning me into a bitter person. I'm becomming increasingly distanced from true emotion, and my perceptions on what what things should feel like has become so altered. Perhaps it's time for me to turn my eyes upward and focus on the ultimate Healer... and ask for a remedy.

A new adventure

It's the 4th of July already. Something I've noticed in the last couple of years is that most of the holidays that seem to roll around hold little to no significance in our house anymore. Being that I grew up in the very historical Virginia, the 4th used to be a big day; usually spent in a revolutionary historic place such as Yorktown, Williamsburg, or Jamestown. The whole day was spent there being a "tourist" even though we'd been there at least a million times before, and then we'd finish the day watching fireworks over the James or York Rivers. Today... we'll be lucky if we grill up burgers later and watch fireworks on tv. I've even become a grinch around Christmas too. The only holiday that holds any great importance to me anymore seems to be Easter... which I have just spiritual reasons for.

Aside from being grinchy, the hubby and I have kept ourselves "busy" this weekend. I'll leave it to the imagination of your own interpretation of "busy" is, all I'll say is I hope to have good news in a few weeks! Jon is really hoping for a little girl. As for me, I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy and survives pregnancy.

Work is back to being stressful and to the level that it just about consumes my every thought. Luckily, a few of our larger, most stressful cases are coming to a close now... so, most of the mental anguish is over, it's just a matter of doing the paperwork to close them out. Now that Jon has started school again, he's getting a BAH allowance which just about equals my bring home pay a month. So technically, I could quit my job and we would still break even. It would allow me to stay home and take care of Emery. But... I don't know. It's nice having extra funds to finance projects around the house or buy things we need, or just having extra padding in the bank at the end of the month. Not to mention, under it all, I love my job... and I don't want to just abandon it high and dry. I guess we'll have to see where the wind blows us.

They say time flies

...When you're having fun. I don't know that I would consider this half of the year to be "fun", I spent the first half of it sick as a dog with morning sickness, and the second half of it depressed and stressed out. Yet here we are, June already. In just 2 more months, we'll be planning my baby boy's second birthday party. I can't believe my little baby boy is already a walking, talking, real-live little kid already.

Unfortunately, the depression and stress has packed on the pounds (15 or so), and so now I've got a bad body image to add to the laundry list of things I dread about my life right now. It's silly, I look back 5 years ago, and I would've killed for the body I have today... and now that I have it, I want something better. I guess it just goes to show that we are our own worst critics. We can't ever truly please ourselves. Not for long, anyway.

The next few months should present with some excitement. In August, Emery and I will be flying out to Colorado for almost 2 weeks to visit family. Then, the week after we get back, Jon's parents are flying out from WA for Emery's birthday. In October, Jon and I may take a small vacation somewhere for our 5th wedding anniversary. Lord, I can't believe it's been 5 years already! In some ways, it's amazing we made it this far. I've seen divorces over much less squable than what we've been through over the last 7 years we've known each other. I guess, I value our relationship even more over some of the things I've seen.

Anyways, hopefully by the end of the year, I'll be pregnant again... and planning for next year.

Laurel Gayle

It's been a month. Sometimes I swear I feel fetal movement. Right about now would've been when I would've just started feeling fetal movent (15 weeks). The genetic testing came back last week. It turns out the baby was a girl. She had trisomy 21 (down syndrome). It must've been a severe enough level of down syndrome if she couldn't even survive the pregnancy. Looking back at what happened, I've come to feel relief. Not relief of losing the pregnancy, but relief for the baby, knowing she won't have to live a life with that condition. If the choice had been left to me, I would have had her no matter what, trisomy 21 or not. I would have felt like if she had survived, the choice would have already been made by God for me to have her. Being that she didn't survive, God made that decision as well. I have to trust in God that he has a plan for all of us, and he knew what our lives would have been like... so he took her from us. I have to learn to be ok with that. We named her Laurel Gayle. For Mother's Day, Jon got me two new charms for my pandora bracelet- a jeweled heart cross, and an angel baby girl. I also ordered a rememberance pin from www.october15th.com. A little pair of pink baby feet that I can wear on myself every day. Even though these trinkets are beautiful and precious to me... they can never fill the hole that Laurel left in my heart.

Trying

Last week was a week I'll never forget. Monday we learned that our precious blessing didn't have a heart beat. This was 3 days after an ultrasound showing us a lively baby with arms and legs and a beautiful, steady heart beat. We were not prepared for it. I almost couldn't believe the words coming out of the doctor's mouth, and I couldn't believe what I was seeing on the screen. We were sent to EVMS to confirm it... they didn't have any better news. We were told that the baby had an unlikely chromosomal abnormality and that was not likely to ever happen again. By Friday it was all over.

I don't believe I have ever felt this empty. It's all I can do to get through the day with a smile. It's probably for the best that I go to work, slap on an "I'm ok" face, and concentrate on things that suddenly don't matter at all to keep my mind from dwelling. Things that once consumed my every thought and invaded my dreams at night now seem disgustingly unimportant, and I find myself irritated by even being bothered with them.

I go home and see my other precious blessing, and he brings a true smile to my face. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He is the true light of my life. And my husband. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful man in my life. He is there for me in ways I couldn't even ask him to be. I am blessed in so many ways. But at the same time, I feel cheated. I had already fallen in love. It was already my child. And it was taken away. I know I'll move on, but I'll never forget my precious one.